He reached for her hand. ‘I don’t want to lose you.’ His voice was almost in a whisper. She could feel the tears again, & she fought them back. ‘But you don’t want to keep me either, do you?’ To that, he had no response.
— The Rescue, Nicholas Sparks
Im seriously fucked up;
So…I am in a relationship w/ G. It’s been almost five years now. We live together & take care of his three younger siblings . His dad past away 3 years ago, and basically after that things went downhill with his mom and she started drinking more and more and taking care of the kids less and less. G promised his dad he would always be there for the kids ..well his family. && he kept it which is very loyal of him. A quality I admire in him. As for me.. Im not loyal.
I thought I was comfortable and satisfied with this whole situation. I mean, I was prepared to do this for the rest of my life.. Me, g & the kids. But in these past couple weeks my whole world has been turned upside down & the only person who knows it is my best friend. This is how it happened.
L is my first love, who I never really got the chance to get over. We ended quite abruptly for stupid reasons, and still talked & acted like a couple. It was like that for a few months afterwards. Then he went away for a month and didnt call me once. I was so angry with him and hurt. One evening i get a call & its him, sounding all happy like everythings okay. && I just said ‘yeah. ..etc,etc,etc. The convo ended w/ me and him being upset. Pretty childish stuff, but anyways after that we hardly talked. So I jumped into another relationship with G. I dont like being alone. I remember in the beginning of G and I’s relationship I was very unhappy. But I rather be unhappy in a relationship than alone. So that’s what happened. G & I for almost five years.
Now, a couple weeks ago i started talking to l on the computer, and pretty much flirting w/ him as usual…in a nonchalant way. I gave him the impression that I liked him, but wasn’t crazy for him. So anyways.. he invited me over & i went. Oh yeah i forgot, i hate being around g’s mother & she was staying at our house so i went to stay at my moms. && i went to visit l 1 in the morning.. so nobody had any idea that i left. Okay continueing my story. I went to see l that night and nothing happened we just talked a little and watched a movie, and i thought that would be it for seeing him. && The next night we were talking again and he asked me to come over. && I didnt realize how much i was liking our visits, but neways i went. && this time he held me. It still felt the way it did many years ago. It was like I was hit by a train how fast the emotions came rushing back. I missed him, and everything about him. His smell, touch, laugh, voice, whisper..everything. I missed his entire being. I left that night so confused and frustrated with how I was going to stop myself from seeing him. The next couple days we didnt really talk until friday and i had no plans of seeing him. He didnt either.. he was with some friends.
Ohhhh! I totally forgot to say, he has a baby with my friend. Me & her aren’t close friends, but whats ironic about it is i fucken introduced them.. haha. Now that makes me seem even more fucked up for this whole situation. Anyways, she was scared to tell me she was pregnant.. she thought id flip out on her. When actually i didnt, i was hurt about it, but i still acted like i was all good. && Neways i went to visit Carissa after talking to L and i didnt tell him where i was going & he didnt tell me where he was going. So me & carissa are there & her buzzer for the door goes off and its L.(w/ three of his friends and a case of beer) I mean AWKWARD.. Me & carissa said that at the same time. lmfao. fuck.
So yeah nothing happened, but then i started drinking & carissa was drinking already when i got there.. so yeah i was being miss little confident and talking to everyone. & then next thing yu know im in the bathroom and guess who swoops in & starts kissing me?…L. He said “i want you to come to my house, so im going to leave & half an hour after I do, You leave & just come straight to my house” I agreed because i was soo drunk already, and secretly wanted to. Oh i forgot, if carissa knew she wouldve been very angry, shes kinda like in love with him now. I know, i know..im not a good friend, but hey she fucked my first love knwoing that i would be hurt!..so i couldnt care less.
I go to Ls & we just lay there talking about everything. We are talking about more deeper things & i almost started crying ..twice. I hate bringing up the past..& he wanted to. So this led to kissing & kissing led to …..you know. Without protection by the way. I felt so guilty the next day, so i went home. & g wanted to make love, so i did. Unprotected sex…again. So i basically slept with two guys in the same day, unprotected. IDIOT!! This is why im so fucken scared now..
What if L has some kidna std?
What if i pass it on to G? G said that if i cheated on him he’d kick my ass, && im not joking when i say, he will beat the fucken shit out of me if he knew.
What if im pregnant??..how will i know who the dad is???
What if i am pregnant and i leave g & the stress of this situation causes me to lose the baby???
My best friend told me i think way to much into things.. but fuck. I like to think about the future..with all the possible outcomes. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
&& the worste of it is even though im so scared g will find out & ive done all this b.s….i still want to see L.
oh and im still confused about g & i’s relationship. I still love him, but its different now. I see that i wasnt as happy as i thought it was, & i kinda want to experience being alone now.. im 20 yrs old and im not ready to exactly settle down just yet. fuck….i just wish L didnt happen..but i guess god put him in my path again for a reason, so i may as well just deal with it.
All I can say is I am a stupid fucken idiot & if i lose it all..its my own fault. Fuck. Good morning to this tumblr world by the way!!
its 9 in the morning here. well this was a long pointless story that i just needed to tell.
Posted October 14, 2009 at 11:50am
Every girl has that one boy that she will never get over.
that one that makes you laugh all the time;
that one that gives you butterflies just by hearing his name;
that one who remembers all of the stupid things you say
and do and reminds you of them months later;
that one who has his name written all over your heart;
that one who you compare everyone to;
that one that you never get sick of talking or hearing about;
that one that you are constantly crying over;
that one that no one can understand why it’s him;
that one that everyone thinks you can do better than;
that one that makes you ask, “why her?”;
that one that you will never be able to forget.
